Ultimate Gossip Girl

28 Days Without Booze and Bread: Day 1

Sep 29th

Carrie Fisher Blogs!

Sep 29th

Sofa king in love with my kids. #cliche #boringmommyshit #twinfants

Sep 29th

I guess Mike Huckabee is back to digging his grave with a fork and knife. #republicans #morons

Sep 29th

Glycolic acid, I’ve missed you so hard. Let’s never part again. #operationfuckhot

Sep 29th

Pretty sure we just bought a magical scale. I’m supposedly 15 pounds thinner than I was before...

Sep 26th

Penelope, utterly disgusted by my incompetence, grabbed a pacifier and placed it in her mouth....

Sep 26th

Seriously, these kids are on the same poop schedule. #twinsense #twinfants

Sep 26th

Anyone know of any good comedy rooms going on in Minneapolis/TwinCities area? Know any MN based...

Sep 26th

Posted ad for babysitter. Now receiving headshots. Professional headshots....

Sep 26th

MIDWESTERN SEX FIENDS!

Sep 24th

Anxiety meds are working but now my house isn’t as clean. #housewifery #tradeoffs #anxiety...

Sep 24th

BOSTON! October 4th! 9 PM! Improv Boston!...

Sep 23rd

Holy shit, everyone died this year. #emmys

Sep 21st

Deathiest Emmys ever. I don’t even know if this song is long enough. #emmys

Sep 21st

YES! RT @4manspeak:Like a Lear Jet engine?! #correct #wahi #shutup #gentrification

Sep 20th

I need to locate a white noise machine worthy of a Dominican neighborhood. #wahi #wtf #shutup...

Sep 20th

Nervous Excitement is for Winners

Sep 19th

WHY for the love of GOD do these people buzz my apt when they’re going to see someone...

Sep 17th

SHIT….boy child’s eys just snapped open. He is looking at me with contempt. The eyes of...

Sep 17th

The kid is looking at me like “you may have got me this time, but you will pay. Oh, yes, you...

Sep 17th

YES! RT @John_McB: Hey boy child, I’m happy for you and imma let you finish but the girl...

Sep 17th

Not quite noon and I’m two Ativans in. #twinfants

Sep 17th

Twins are unnatural and the devil’s work. #twinfants #psychosis

Sep 17th

Fuck yes. Today is NapFest2009. I gotta get better about reading their sleep cues. #twinfants...

Sep 17th

You know what was fun? Disposable income. #nyc #facestabbing

Sep 17th

Girl, I’m happy for you and imma let you finish, but the boy needs to burp the greatest burp...

Sep 17th

Only got 1 hour out of girlchild, Weissbluth would approve. Boychild still asleep. If only I could...

Sep 17th

Another fav: http://bit.ly/13zqBd

Sep 16th

Kanyegate meme…this is my fav: http://bit.ly/4riteT

Sep 16th

It’s beer ‘o clock. #twinfants #godhelpme

Sep 15th

Wait, was that right…did Russell Brand just say he wanted to roofie and rape Megan Fox?#vmas

Sep 15th

What the fuck is Megan Fox wearing? Jodhpur-shorts? Black adult diapers? Either way, watch out for...

Sep 15th

Seriously, I need less Russell Brand in my life. #morons #notfunny

Sep 15th

Billy Joe has 2 kids and is 37 years old. #justsayin

Sep 15th

Oh, great it’s that song I hear blaring in my neighborhood EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE.

Sep 15th

I just want to revisit how HILARIOUS it was when Russell Brand was all I WANT TO DRUG AND RAPE MEGAN...

Sep 15th

I do not understand the appeal of Kristin Stewart. Stiff, can’t act, boring. #vmas

Sep 15th

Via @pmsgeishaRT: @algonquinrt: DOES NO ONE OWN FUCKING PANTS??? #VMAs

Sep 15th

Beyonce’s thighs. That is all. #vmas

Sep 15th

Sean Puffy Puff Daddy Combs looks like he has halitosis. Maybe it’s his vehement...

Sep 15th

I could really go for some heavy narcotics just about now. #twinfants #nightnight #shootmeintheface

Sep 15th

Since when did Chuck Bass shop at Brooks Brothers? #gossipgirl #imchuckbass

Sep 15th

Gossip Girl! #imchuckbass #reasonstolive

Sep 15th

Awwww…where are Nate’s highlights? He’s nigh unrecognizable. #gossipgirl

Sep 15th

Entered to win a Bumbleride Indie Twin stroller @TheShoppingMama : http://bit.ly/KML8F...

Sep 15th

Serena’s breasts are back this season! #gossipgirl #hertitsdontmove

Sep 15th

Probability of a face stabbing at a record high. #twinfants #maritalbliss #someonesgonnagetcut

Sep 13th

RT@billsaez U know the scene in Raiders w the gold idol & sand bag? Putting down a sleeping...

Sep 13th

Whenever I hear a white person non-ironically employ the use of the term “race card” I...

Sep 13th

I got a 2 hour nap this morning while the babies stayed wide eyed awake and cracked out for their...

Sep 13th

Beck’s “Lost Cause” allows me to forgive him being a scientologist. #tolerance...

Sep 13th

Vacuum ordeal has me in a raging panic Jesus, take the wheel. Or Ativan. Smart money is on Ativan....

Sep 13th

Purchased a Black & Decker vacuum in April. It’s already broken. #pieceofshit

Sep 13th

Man, once these kids are walking, I am going to get all Joan Crawford on they asses. #housewifery...

Sep 13th

Via @carlazanoni If you thought you smelled something not-so-fresh today, blame Jon Gosselin:...

Sep 12th

Giving up and getting pizza. #eatingemotions #nodecentchinesefoodtobefound

Sep 12th

Just glanced back to pics of the kids when they were in the NICU. Cue tears. #twinfants...

Sep 12th

Good Vibrations and the G-Twist

Sep 12th

Hahahaha RT @BombayGunrunner: I wonder if when @congjoewilson is watching a horror movie he yells...

Sep 11th

Might be time to dust off the ole DivaCup. #auntflo #thefuck #crimsontide

Sep 11th

Hope one of the neighborhood drug dealers can help me with my stroller so I can get my sick baby to...

Sep 11th

P-Town

Sep 11th

Anyone else getting crazy replies from twitterslutbots re: Joe Wilson? #wtf #morons

Sep 10th

In a just world Bams would have pulled out the ole “I don’t go to your job and knock the...

Sep 10th

Pure poetry: Overhead in the visitors’ gallery, First Lady Michelle Obama shook her head from...

Sep 10th

RT @meredithmo: Hahaha this rules. RT @Roberta87: The one where Pelosi, Obama & Biden are all,...

Sep 10th

Not sure if Penelope is making like an afterschool special and headed for a life of bulimia or if...

Sep 8th

Sometimes when I think about cloth diapers, I want to stab someone in the face. #feminism...

Sep 8th

Began humming song to girlchild then realized I was humming “Where You There When They...

Sep 8th

You know what isn’t easy? Not making eye contact with an infant who’s giving you a big...

Sep 5th

I’m about to have a hate stroke. I cannot handle the sheer ignorance of people on this...

Sep 5th

Pacifier strap-on. #itneedstohappen #twinfants

Sep 4th

http://twitpic.com/g9gld - Childhood dreams, limitless ice cream or mermaid fucking, either way!...

Sep 4th

Searching for old stash of Klonopin and all I keep finding are empty bottles of folic acid....

Sep 4th

Why am I listening to Filter’s “Hey, Man” and loving it? #thefuck #housewifery...

Sep 4th

SATURDAY NIGHT! With MARGARET CHO in...

Sep 3rd

NO, PLEASE ALLOW ME TO PUT THAT IN THE DISHWASHER I EMPTIED AND LOADED FOR YOU ! #maritalbliss...

Sep 2nd

HELP! RT @manhattanspeak: economy hit us -the restaurant my husb was managing has closed. so now we...

Sep 2nd

http://twitpic.com/g39o6 - OH SHIT LOOK AT DEM FEETS!

Sep 2nd

http://twitpic.com/g3cwf - Proof II: NOTE THE SHOES!!

Sep 2nd

The girl child is in overalls, the boy child in a layered long/short sleeve polo. Loving fall.

Sep 2nd

http://twitpic.com/g38f4 - PROOF: Part I

Sep 2nd

Think I’ll need to mainline Dunkin’ to make it through today. #housewifery #sickbaby...

Sep 2nd

OMG DIRTY CLOTHES ON TOP OF THE FUCKING LAUNDRY BAG!!!! #housewifery #passiveaggressive #thefuck...

Sep 2nd

These kids are napping like @elonjames brunches - HARD and OUT OF CONTROL.

Sep 2nd

Another listserv gem: 2 weeks ago I saw woman catch a pigeon, shove it into gym bag &walk away....

Sep 2nd

After a night of watching Pen wrestle with an invisible opponent, she then barfed most of her AM...

Sep 2nd

Seriously, I’m on the best parental listservs. Someone is asking where one might find a child...

Sep 2nd

This weather makes me miss high school. Who knew I’d missed oversized hoodies and bulemia?...

Sep 2nd

Again, not trying to brag, but I really do make the best egg salad I’ve ever tasted....

Sep 2nd

Apparently a lot of whores want to follow me on twitter lately. #housewifery #jesusislord...

Sep 2nd

Bwahahaha - remember when Tyra tried to be a “recording artist” on ANTM? I’m...

Sep 2nd

Teaching your daughter to ho it up during Halloween can never come too early:...

Sep 2nd

OMG!! RT@woodlandalyssa Brand new @JetBlue deal ($19 for Boston/Baltimore) but only lasts a few...

Sep 2nd

Agorafabulous Agorathankyoulous

Sep 2nd

THEFUCK?!? http://www.babybangshairband.com/ #jackedupparents #callcps #wtf

Sep 1st

http://twitpic.com/g136i - Reason to have a baby: infant hoodies

Sep 1st

Insane that I’m even entertaining this whim since I don’t have room 4 the shit I have,...

Sep 1st

So if you post something on Craigslist and name a price, would you be perplexed by an email asking...

Sep 1st

The fight against #livinginsqualor has been won today. I can’t promise anything for tomorrow...

Sep 1st